The Global Gander

The Lite Side

- 2003.04.22

Following the announcement of the penalties imposed on Microsoft in the long-running antitrust case, pigs suddenly lost the ability to fly and plummeted to earth all over the planet. The pigs had recently been given the power to fly based on the startling announcement that Microsoft had been positively identified as a monopolist.

Falling pigs injured dozens of farm workers and potbellied pig owners. Four people in Georgia were killed, and nearly a dozen farm workers in Boise arrived at area hospitals with lacerations, bruises, broken bones, and complaints of general malaise.

Also in Boise, Norton Delgado's potbellied pig suddenly fell from the ceiling fan, where it had been roosting, and struck him on the head as he walked underneath. "Frankly, I'm a little relieved," he said of the ruling. "It's been a long, hot summer, and I was tired of avoiding the ceiling fan switch."

REDMOND, WASHINGTON: After stating repeatedly over the years that "Macs Suck," Martin Vander Goose of Redmond, Washington decided to test his theory. He attached a Hoover Upright EZ-KLEEN handle and bag to an aging tray-loading iMac and pushed it across his living room floor.

Initial tests were encouraging, until Vander Goose realized the iMac was simply scraping the empty beer cans and cheese wrappers out of the way. "This bites," he told us. "Macs even suck at sucking."

Michael "Mickey" McMac of McAllister, Pennsylvania, eats nothing but Big Macs every day for lunch. "No cheese, dude," he told us. "You can taste the special sauce then. That's the best."

McMac is a computer programmer who does all of his work on, you guessed it, a Mac. "Macs rule," said McMac.

When asked what he ate for dinner, McAllister winked and pointed to the blue Kraft Macaroni and Cheese boxes on his dining room table. "Mac and Cheese, natch," he said.

We asked Mickey how his obsession with Mac started. "It was an old Mac SE that my mother used to use," he said. "She loved that thing so much she named me after it."

Sharing a conspiratorial wink, he added, "She was the first one to call me 'Mac' instead of 'Mickey'."

DeVon Haughtonshire of Braughton, England loves her Apple iPod MP3 player so much that she's glued it to her forehead. She carries around a wireless iBook laptop connected to the player and refuses to travel more than 150 feet from her suburban home.

As one of the growing number of "Pod People," as they like to be called, DeVon admits her hobby is a little odd and puts some people on edge. "I let them listen to the elevator music Apple posted on my iDisk, and they calm down," she said in a recent interview.

"And, oh, by the way," she added as her face lost all expression, "all your face are belong to us."

In a startling announcement, upscale computer maker Apple announced today that the low-end CRT iMacs would now be available as an impulse purchase at all 14 million 7-Eleven stores across the nation. "We felt we were not getting exposure to the working class with our current strategy," according to an Apple Hub Spokes Person.

We contacted roughly eleven thousand 7-Eleven stores to confirm this story, and not one had a CRT iMac in stock. "It's right behind the pork rinds, sir," said one clerk of South Asian (or maybe Middle Eastern) descent, whom we could not describe accurately for fear of being politically incorrect.

As hard as we looked, we couldn't find it. So we got a Big Gulp and a Big Bite and went home.

and finally....

Man Who Claims to Like Windows Better Actually Uses a Mac

Following the trend of his coworkers at a Petajillo, California wine bottle cork-imprinting plant, Royce Fling joined with his buddies' derisive comments about Apple Computer's Switch campaign every day at work. "That one chick, she was so obviously stoned," he told us. "We laughed about that for days, and everyone said, only a stoner would use a Mac," he continued.

His levity turned to horror when, at a poker gathering at his home last week, he discovered the family computer was a CRT iMac. "Hell, I didn't know," he said. "The wife bought the thing. I don't even use it."

Despite the fact that Fling doesn't smoke, he keeps finding little bags of stuff in his locker, placed there by his PC-using associates.

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