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Why Apple Really Is Doomed
Thoughts on Earning a Death Knell
Citation
- 2004.04.12
Now here's the thing. I've been asked about Apple being doomed for
years, and I've always stood up to the plate and let everyone know
what I think about the prospects for the company. But after reading
through some of the Mac
Observer's Death Knell citations, I came to the conclusion
that I gotta get one of these for myself. Death Knell citations, that
is, which brings us to the Lite Side's
An Application For Apple Death Knell Citation
I offer up the following carefully constructed arguments in the
hopes you will agree with me that Apple Computer is doomed,
doooomed,dooooooomed.
First, imagine the headlines: "Former Mac evangelists predicts
company is Doomed," "Mac columnist switches sides", "Idiot traitor
betrays Mac faithful," and so on.
Imagine the hits it'll generate. We'll get linked on MacCentral
first, then maybe Slashdot will pick it up, and finally Mac Observer
will slap a Death Knell on us, and my life will be complete.
Hundreds, nay thousands of hits, even hundreds of thousands of hits
will ensue.
And just think - people would think I am the greatest genius of
the age, because this crowd is more exclusive than Mensa. Just by
associating with them, I could get job offers, grants, contracts up
the (excuse me, out the) wazoo.
Wouldn't that be great, knowing you were a part of that, because
you read this article?
Wow.
The Death Knell itself has to be based on some flaw that everyone
agrees is a market-share killer. We could use the Enderle "It ain't
Windows so it's doomed" analysis or the perennial favorite "one mouse
button sucks" argument.
Just this last week I heard the "why won't Apple throw money at
developers?" argument. "How about "success brings unwarranted
attention from Apple Corps" or "proprietary operating systems have no
chance against open source" or "market share is shrinking" or "Mac
users are fanatic unreasoning slobbering fools" or "that's what they
use in business" or the subtle "single platform organizations are
simpler."
Such a wealth of reasons.
I know! I'll use them all, and that'll give me the most qualified
Death Knell ever!
(Time passes.)
Upon reflection, I realize that I cannot earn a Death Knell,
because I've offered up nothing new. It's just like a student who
does a paper consisting of a string of quotations without ever saying
anything for themselves.
So I'm going to have to think of something original
. . . hmm . . . this part is hard. Let me think
about it. Hmm....
I've got it!
See, here's the problem. Apple computers are too clean. That's it!
See, when my five year old's eat crumbly food while playing on the
computer, crumbs get in the keyboard, and since the keyboard is clear
- and white - the crumbs really stand out. Kinda gross,
actually.
Vacuuming doesn't work. Tapping the keyboard upside down doesn't
work. If the keyboard only had a little drawer, like a toaster does,
to remove crumbs (sort of like the Dell Confabulation™) we'd
have no problem.
A black keyboard with lots of space under the keys won't show the
dirt as easily. Yeah, that's it - that's the ticket.
So that's it then. Do you get a certificate? Or a desk ornament
that wobbles when you tap it? How about a lapel pin?
Maybe a tie would be nice. It's a pretty exclusive club; maybe
they have an annual conference or something. What do you say, Bryan?
Can I be #40? Pleeeeeeeze?
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