Terahertz Macs, Massively Parallel Macs, Power iPods, and Other Macworld Rumors Yet

Every year the rumoristas try to predict what Apple will produce at the next Macworld Expo. Rumors of 30" screens, iPods capable of carrying your entire home directory, and a new Cube design with a tiny integrated screen abound.

Not to be outdone, the Lite Side interviewed a number of rumoristas and asked, "What do you see Apple releasing at Macworld in January?"

Unfortunately, we asked them all at the same time, and they wanted to play a little one-upmanship game. Thus, instead of thoughtful and reasoned analysis, you get the Lite Side's

Competing Rumors for Macworld 2004

Lite Side: So, what do you guys see as possible for Macworld SF 2004? What's Steve going to announce?

MacRumors: Well, I heard they were going to bump the G5 up to 2.4 GHz.

MacOSRumors: No, it's 3 GHz for sure.

Crazy Apple Rumors: You guys are full of it. We're predicting 12 GHz or we'll eat Steve's turtleneck dickey.

AppleTurns: You know, Mr. Brady wore dickeys all the time on The Brady Bunch.

Think Secret: Actually, Apple is planning on abandoning serial processors altogether and going with massively parallel processors based on the success of that place in North Carolina.

AppleInsider: I think that's Virginia.

Think Secret: Whatever.

Anne Onymus: You've all got it wrong. They're going to come out with a new X86 terahertz processor, and they're going to have it before any PC gets it. What a brilliant marketing move.

MacOSRumors: Are you making fun of us?

Slashdot: Anne Onymus is reporting the world's first terahertz personal computer. Post your comments here, on my forehead.

MacRumors: Let's get back to reality, if we can.

AppleTurns: Reality TV is nothing compared to this.

Think Secret: No, I'm serious. Just look, with only 1000 Power Macs they cracked the Top 10 supercomputer list; if they put them all in the same case and cooled it cryogenically, it would only be the size of a large refrigerator.

AppleInsider: You've been drinking something.

Lite Side: Apple cider?

CARS: You know, I always wanted a dickey.

AppleTurns: If any of our viewers out there know of a good source of dickeys, let us know. These guys need help, and they need it now.

CARS: I think Think Secret's on to something.

MacRumors: (taking notes) Think Secret's on something. Got it.

Anne Onymus: It'll be a terahertz processor, with a Googol of memory. Trust me. I know from whence I speak.

Slashdot: She said "whence." Ha ha.

AppleInsider: No, you've got it wrong. It'll be a Googolplex of processors each running at a terahertz.

CARS: Do they own the Hertz or do they rent it at the airport?

(everyone laughs)

Lite Side: Gee, I wish I was as funny as that drunk guy over there.

Anne Onymus: I'm not a guy.

Lite Side: I wasn't talking to you.

MacRumors: What I want to know is why you think you can get away with stealing my name. (points to MacOSRumors)

MacOSRumors: Huh?

MacRumors: I said, I wants to know why you think you can get away with stealin . . . my . . . name. I'm callin' you out, OS.

MacOSRumors: Huh?

Lite Side: Take it outside, bozos.

AppleTurns: This is just like that episode of the A-Team where they drugged Mr. T in order to get him on the plane.

Slashdot: This IZ nothing like tht, u mrn.

CARS: Dateline: Cupertino. MacRumors has been arrested for verbally assaulting MacOSRumors after MacOSRumors beat the crap out of MacRumors. Film at 11.

Lite Side: If we can be serious for a minute, we were talking about predictions for Macworld.

Think Secret: Who is this guy, anyway?

Anne Onymus: He writes for the Lite Side. That's on Low End Mac.

Slashdot: At last we know what the "low end" of LEM comes from.

Lite Side: Let's not get personal.

Slashdot: Sorry, just trolling. Old habits die hard.

AppleInsider: I predict that Steve Jobs will create an entire computer on an iPod; you can listen to music with it or hook it up to a monitor and keyboard and call it your computer.

Anne Onymus: Hey . . . that's not a bad idea. I think I'll write that up.

(sound of thundering hoof beats.)

Lite Side: Well, that ends this preview of Macworld. All the rumoristas are off pounding out new rumors. As for me, I have only one prediction: None of this crowd is getting into Macworld on a press pass.

'Later, gators!