The Lite Side

Terahertz Macs, Massively Parallel Macs, Power iPods, and Other Macworld Rumors Yet

- 2003.12.23

Every year the rumoristas try to predict what Apple will produce at the next Macworld Expo. Rumors of 30" screens, iPods capable of carrying your entire home directory, and a new Cube design with a tiny integrated screen abound.

Not to be outdone, the Lite Side interviewed a number of rumoristas and asked, "What do you see Apple releasing at Macworld in January?"

Unfortunately, we asked them all at the same time, and they wanted to play a little one-upmanship game. Thus, instead of thoughtful and reasoned analysis, you get the Lite Side's

Competing Rumors for Macworld 2004

Lite Side: So, what do you guys see as possible for Macworld SF 2004? What's Steve going to announce?

MacRumors: Well, I heard they were going to bump the G5 up to 2.4 GHz.

MacOSRumors: No, it's 3 GHz for sure.

Crazy Apple Rumors: You guys are full of it. We're predicting 12 GHz or we'll eat Steve's turtleneck dickey.

AppleTurns: You know, Mr. Brady wore dickeys all the time on The Brady Bunch.

Think Secret: Actually, Apple is planning on abandoning serial processors altogether and going with massively parallel processors based on the success of that place in North Carolina.

AppleInsider: I think that's Virginia.

Think Secret: Whatever.

Anne Onymus: You've all got it wrong. They're going to come out with a new X86 terahertz processor, and they're going to have it before any PC gets it. What a brilliant marketing move.

MacOSRumors: Are you making fun of us?

Slashdot: Anne Onymus is reporting the world's first terahertz personal computer. Post your comments here, on my forehead.

MacRumors: Let's get back to reality, if we can.

AppleTurns: Reality TV is nothing compared to this.

Think Secret: No, I'm serious. Just look, with only 1000 Power Macs they cracked the Top 10 supercomputer list; if they put them all in the same case and cooled it cryogenically, it would only be the size of a large refrigerator.

AppleInsider: You've been drinking something.

Lite Side: Apple cider?

CARS: You know, I always wanted a dickey.

AppleTurns: If any of our viewers out there know of a good source of dickeys, let us know. These guys need help, and they need it now.

CARS: I think Think Secret's on to something.

MacRumors: (taking notes) Think Secret's on something. Got it.

Anne Onymus: It'll be a terahertz processor, with a Googol of memory. Trust me. I know from whence I speak.

Slashdot: She said "whence." Ha ha.

AppleInsider: No, you've got it wrong. It'll be a Googolplex of processors each running at a terahertz.

CARS: Do they own the Hertz or do they rent it at the airport?

(everyone laughs)

Lite Side: Gee, I wish I was as funny as that drunk guy over there.

Anne Onymus: I'm not a guy.

Lite Side: I wasn't talking to you.

MacRumors: What I want to know is why you think you can get away with stealing my name. (points to MacOSRumors)

MacOSRumors: Huh?

MacRumors: I said, I wants to know why you think you can get away with stealin . . . my . . . name. I'm callin' you out, OS.

MacOSRumors: Huh?

Lite Side: Take it outside, bozos.

AppleTurns: This is just like that episode of the A-Team where they drugged Mr. T in order to get him on the plane.

Slashdot: This IZ nothing like tht, u mrn.

CARS: Dateline: Cupertino. MacRumors has been arrested for verbally assaulting MacOSRumors after MacOSRumors beat the crap out of MacRumors. Film at 11.

Lite Side: If we can be serious for a minute, we were talking about predictions for Macworld.

Think Secret: Who is this guy, anyway?

Anne Onymus: He writes for the Lite Side. That's on Low End Mac.

Slashdot: At last we know what the "low end" of LEM comes from.

Lite Side: Let's not get personal.

Slashdot: Sorry, just trolling. Old habits die hard.

AppleInsider: I predict that Steve Jobs will create an entire computer on an iPod; you can listen to music with it or hook it up to a monitor and keyboard and call it your computer.

Anne Onymus: Hey . . . that's not a bad idea. I think I'll write that up.

(sound of thundering hoof beats.)

Lite Side: Well, that ends this preview of Macworld. All the rumoristas are off pounding out new rumors. As for me, I have only one prediction: None of this crowd is getting into Macworld on a press pass.

'Later, gators!

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