The Lite Side

Response to West Africa Spam

- 2002.11.26

Dear Sir,

Thank you for giving me an idea for an entertaining article. When it is published, rest assured I will give you your share of the proceeds. My response to your queries are embedded in your message below.

Jeff Adkins

>Dear Sir,
>Iam a consultant operating in West Africa.

Being an American, I hope you understand there is a 97.5% possibility that I won't have the faintest clue where Africa is, and a 40% chance I don't get the concept of "West."

>I represent
>a client who wishes to invest US$20 million overseas.

Won't that get the money wet?

>This money was made by his late father, a politician,
>in his capacity as a member of a defunct contract
>award commitee of the Ecowas(Economic community of
>west African states) oil industry.

If I were your client, I would invest in some capital letters first.

>For this reason he cannot move the money in his name
>through normal banking channels.

Your previous statement does not logically infer the result you state. Non sequitur. Your facts are uncoordinated. Please deposit another twenty-five cents before continuing.

> I think the only way
>to succeed is to seek help from a foreigner.

I would think a rock band (and that would be Foreigner, for you little kiddies out there) would have little interest in managing financial investments in foreign countries. I could be wrong. It's happened before.

> I have
>enough diplomatic contacts to fly the money in a
>diplomatic box to europe because the box will be moved
>under diplomatic cover.

Please repeat that in a German accent while smoking a thin cigar in a long plastic holder. Squeeze a monocle under one eyebrow and use makeup to give the appearance of Colonel Klink. Speaking of Colonel Klink, why was he the only German in Hogan's Heroes who spoke without a German accent? Is it because he secretly approved of Hogan's plans all along? Is this a subtle hint like the way the good guys always use Macs in the movies whereas the bad guys always use Windows?

Please put your response in your diplomatic box.

> There will be no problems with customs at the Airport.

I should think there would be significant problems fitting customs in an Airport. Customs is a great big office with lots of tables. Airport is a wireless networking gizmo made by Apple. Were you trying to say there would be no problem with an "Airport at the customs?"

>If you agree to assist me, we would send the box to
>that destination in your name, marked for your
>collection. A security company will clear the box
>through customs and take it to their office awaiting

If I agree to help you, will you never, ever send me this email again? Ever? Ever ever ever?

>All you have to do would be to claim the
>box and deposit the money in an International Bank

As opposed, of course, to an iNTERNATIONAL bANK.

>and then instruct the bank to wire the money to your
>account in your country.My client cannot do this on
>his own as any bank would suspect a Black man of
>owning such huge some of money.

Aha! now we come to the real issue. Your client is suffering from the delusion that his consultant knows what he is doing!

>1. You shall fly down to the country where the money
>is to be deposited and you shall proceed with my
>client to the security company to collect the money.

Didn't anyone ever tell you there is no up and down in space?

>2. You shall pay for your flight ticket to the country
>and also hotel accomodation. My client will not send
>you any money for this expenditure.

I got better terms than this when I won three rounds on Wheel of Fortune.

>3. When you collect the box from the security company
you and my client shall proceed to a bank,

Do I collect $200 and pass GO?

> there you
>will deposit the money in your name

Stop. The rest of your message seems garbled.

>and ask the bank
>to wire it to your account in your country or

Elsewhere is good. I like elsewhere. I've been to elsewhere. Mr. Alex, you're not elsewhere.

> Note that although this account shall be
>opened in your name, my client will have to be a
>co-signatory to the account, therefore you cannot
>operate this account without his consent.

What dowry do you bring to this relationship?

>4. You shall assist my client in investing his money.

I know a great dot-com which is sure to quadruple his investment. Invest now, before it's too late.


Colonel in the Mac Marines.

>1. Your commission shall be a down payment of 10% of
>the total sum ie US$2 million. you shall deduct this
>sum before investing the balance for my client.

10% of two million won't get my fat butt out of a chair to buy some more Cheetos, pal. We need some more zeroes.

>2. For the first two years of the investment you shall
>be entitled to 10% of the after tax returns on
>investments. Thereafter the terms will be reviewed.

I give the terms one-half star out of four. This show's worse than "The Langoliers."

>We shall commence this transaction

Commence! He said commence. Ah reckon ah'll commence to pounding your head if I ever find you.

> immediately we
>receive the following information by my E-mail:

One more MisPlaced capiTal letter and I think my head's gonna eXplode.

>1. Your banker's name, address. telephone and fax

Unfortunately, I don't even know my doctor's name (I'm in an HMO), let alone my banker's name. Looks like you are out of luck.

>2. The account number and name of would be

Isn't there a word missing there? Should it be "name of any" or "name of the" or something? Anyone out there invested in enough grammar to let us know?

>Reply me immediately


> if you want to handle this

"Does this one count? How many points is it worth? When is it due?"

> We want to round up this business fast

I'll bet you do.

> so
>the sooner you reply the better.
>I await your positive response.

Does this finger I'm holding up qualify?

>Mr. Alex Dickson.
>Reply to:

Now, dear readers, send Mr. Dickson a copy of this article from your public spam-attracting email account.

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