The Lite Side

Other Charges Apple Forgot to Tell You About

- 2002.07.23

Most Macworld attendees and all the usual Mac Web news outlets missed the surprise announcements by Steve Jobs in his poorly timed encore following the Stevenote last week. Fortunately for you, this reporter was still trying to look under his seat for the promised free copy of Jagular when Mr. Jobs returned to the auditorium - when most folks had already left.

Thanks to modern technology, the Lite Side presents

That'll Be Five Cents, Please

Jobs: Oh! There's still yet again one more other thing.

[Pauses for applause, which I supply]

Thank you. Now these services we're providing don't come without a cost. Neither do the older services you've come to rely upon. So let me outline for you some of the changes we've planned for the next fiscal year.

Keyboards, which were normally included free with every Mac, will now be a separate purchase. These keyboards will feature over 100 keys specifically designed to work with your system. Each letter was carefully hand-carved out of simulated ivory tusk by a starving child in India. This keyboard will be available as of the end of the presentation for the very reasonable price of $250.

Now some people will tell you that keyboards ought to be included. We've smelled the air, and, frankly, what we smell can't be described in a family publication. The winds of change are howling down your street, and one of those changes we've all got to learn to live with is that you're simply going to have to pay for every part of the computer that can be disconnected from the rest.

Our new "optical mouse light rental fee" will allow users to get all the red light they need for their Mac single-button mouse. Costing only 4¢ per minute, this new fee will ensure you keep your mouse moving by disabling the driver for it if you haven't paid. And paid. And paid again.

Oh, and in case I didn't tell you ... there's one last thing. Visits to Apple's website, formerly free, will now cost $5 a hit, especially on weekdays during office hours.

Some people think we're shooting ourselves in the foot with this strategy. Other people like pistachio ice cream, so I don't really see the point.

Thanks once again for coming to Macworld. Don't forget to pay the exit fee on your way out the door, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

If there was more, I didn't hear it, because I was busy paying my seat fee to the usher.

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