A Glossary of New Computer-Related Medical
Conditions
2002.02.11
You thought carpal tunnel was bad? Just look what's waiting for
you in the wings:
Dellmentia: This rare condition occurs to users who think
the Sleepy Eyed Slacker Guy on Dell's television advertising is a
knowledgeable, expert computer technician. After purchasing the Dell,
they often let their brother-in-law borrow the car with no deadline
on when it must be returned. They get their dentist from
1-800-DENTIST, weep when the lady says, "I've fallen, and I can't get
up," and believe that Pokémon are real.
Punditrella (PUN-dit-rella) Syndrome: A belief that
everything you read about the Mac that is posted after midnight will
always come true, given enough time.
Allheinz's Disease: A condition which comes from incessant
game playing to the point where the only thing left in the house is
ketchup. Eating too much ketchup without any other food causes acid
buildup in the intestines. The side effects are . . . well,
let's just say it's unpleasant and leave it at that.
Unintendonitis: A condition caused by unknowingly infecting
everyone in your department by bringing a virus-laden floppy disk or
CD to work - or opening an infected email using a Microsoft email
client on a Windows computer. Symptoms include irritability, loss of
memory, confusion, and a tendency to shred documents. Interestingly,
Mac users can be carriers of this disease, but cannot catch it
themselves.
Wintel Monodigm Fugue: You know the look a rabid animal has
when you hit it with a shovel? Well, maybe you don't, but it's the
look that an experienced Wintel user who has never used a Mac gets
when you declare you don't use Windows for ethical, logistical,
security, or aesthetic reasons. These are the people who ask if they
make Windows for the Mac. They turn their heads very slowly, as if
just realizing for the first time that driving with your headlights
on actually reduces your gas mileage. Then they blink, once, twice,
three times. Then they ask you to repeat what you said; and you
finally have to explain how computers work to them. Several times.
Severe cases require a towel to wipe the foam from their lips. The
fugue is temporary; it ends when the victim starts talking about
market share and what software is available from Staples or Office
Depot. People who are unable to make smooth paradigm shifts are
particularly vulnerable.
Compatibility Crisis: This condition occurs when the user
can't make a document on a Mac open up properly on a PC. It's
uncurable; doses of identical cross-platform versions of Microsoft
Office alleviate the symptoms but do not cure the condition. A light
therapy of MacLink Plus will occasionally clear up the condition for
a few days, but a regression occurs when a document shows up that
does not retain its formatting from platform to platform even if the
words are readable. Victims develop an eye twitch, and may lose
control of one side of their face (often mistaken for a stroke). Loss
of color, lack of emphasis, and smoothing of indentations are other
symptoms.
Central Digital Hyperextension Seizures (cramps of the
middle finger from overuse): Occurs when users of two-button mice
with overly sensitive dorsal scroll wheels keep the middle finger
suspended while clicking left and right buttons repeatedly. A similar
condition occurs to Mac users in an all-Wintel workplace, but is
unrelated to mouse controls. Related to Secret Office
Guy Syndrome, but that is more of a mental condition.
Secret
Office Guy Syndrome: Suffered by individual Mac users
in an office full of Mac haters, the symptoms include an unrelenting
urge to tell people about your troubles while lacking the will to do
something about it. Eventually leads to ulcers, eye twitching,
compulsory purchases of Connectix products, and schizophrenia.
Torvaldic Shock Syndrome: Comes from reading Linux manuals
late at night while debating mentally whether you should get out of
bed to finish slicing that one last bit of code. With one leg out of
bed, and one leg in, the most common symptom is injury due to falling
out of the bed - or suddenly waking up as you fall.
Low Enderoids: The body's temperature rises in reaction to
stress. Occurs when you're trying to decide whether it's more cost
effective to upgrade your low-end Mac or buy a whole new machine. The
only known cure it to upgrade your Mac and buy a new one at
the same time.
OSchitzophrenia (oh-ess-KIT-zo-free-knee-uh): Inability to
decide whether or not to stick with OS 9 or switch to X. The
victim often uses one for a while, then switches back, and continues
waffling until the next Software Update. Scientists at
1 Infinite Loop are working on a cure, which they think may be
ready in three to five years - total withdrawal of Classic Mode,
they say, is your only hope.
X-ema: Unreasoning resistance to OS X from an OS 9 user.
Causes a rash which can only be cured with a brand new flat
panel iMac. Oddly, everyone you know says they have X-ema. Even I
have X-ema. So send me a new flat-panel iMac. You'll feel better, and
so will I.
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Mac of the Day: Centris 610, Feb. 1993 - This was the Mac we used when we started Low End Mac in 1997.
List of the Day: 1st PowerMacs is for pre-PCI Power Macs.
September 5 in LEM history: 99: Why the G4 uproar? - 00: It wasn't even a Mac - 01: Stop the upgrade insanity - 02: Sharing your Internet connection - The evolving low end - 03: Apple #5 in laptops - 06: Installing Linux on a PCI Power Mac - PDQ PowerBook G3 at 8 - The good old days - 07: Comparing Apples and Dells - 12" PowerBook G4 reliability
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Used 867 MHz Combo, no APX, $490; 1 GHz, $550; SuperDrive, $625; 1.5 GHz w/o APX, $660; w/APX, $675.
Best Mac mini Deals, Low End Mac Deals, 09.04.
Used 1.25 GHz G4 SD, $549; 1.42 Combo, $409; new 1.83 Core2 Combo, $569 after rebate; 2.0 SD, $769 after rebate.
Best 17" PowerBook G4 Deals, Low End Mac Deals, 09.04.
Used 1 GHz, $779; 1.33 GHz, $799; 1.5 GHz, $859; 1.67 GHz, $910.
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Best eMac Deals, Low End Mac Deals, 09.03.
Used 700 MHz Combo, $120; 1.25 GHz SuperDrive, $150; 1.42 GHz, $349.
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Mac OS X 10.5, single user, $99; 5 users, $140; 10.5 Server, 10 users, $395; unlimited, $850.
Best MacBook Air Deals, Low End Mac Deals, 09.03.
Refurb 1.6 HD, $1,499; new, $1,690 after rebate; refurb 1.8, $1,699; new, $1,919 a/r; refurb 1.6 SSD, $2,099; new, $2,294 a/r; refurb 1.8, $2,299; new, $2,400 a/r.
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