The Lite Side

Microsoft Policies Shaped by Weather

- 2002.01.28

Microsoft's Business Plans Affected by Weather, says researcher

University of Manitoba, Canada: Researchers here have determined exactly why Microsoft's products have frequent security issues, cause untold problems when installing new software and hardware, and why Redmond has instituted a series of new, unpopular policies that only a monopolist could get away with (such as expirations on Office XP software and Passport Privacy Tracking).

Forget the conspiracy theories, the inside stories of rivalry between Bill Gates and former pal Steve Jobs, the rumors of Bill's secret desire to win back respect lost as a high school teenager - all those theories are washed away by the conclusions drawn by Quinton Moebius, senior computer science professor at M.U.C.

"It's the low barometric pressure," according to Moebius.

According to Moebius, the poor weather in Seattle (and nearby Redmond) is caused by a near-perpetual low-pressure system in the American Northwest, which draws cold arctic air from the north and warm air from the ocean, causing the supersaturated arctic air to condense into clouds, fog, rain, drizzle, sleet, mist, haze, snow, frost, dew, and condensation on the interior of car windshields. It contributes to generally overcast skies.

"Studies also show that months of cloudy weather contribute to poor worker efficiency, depression, and even higher rates of suicide than can be attributed to working for the world's largest illegal monopoly," said Moebius.

This low air pressure cannot be alleviated, mainly because we don't have the technology. "The simplest solution is for Microsoft to move to Arizona - or maybe New Mexico," said Moebius. "The change would do them good." One possible downside: Bill Gates' enormous home. "They'll need to float it down south on an iceberg or something," said Moebius. "I wouldn't put it past him."

Officials for Microsoft did not return messages in time to be included in this story, but a spokesperson for the company's snack machine vendor, Claude Leatherbottom, did acknowledge that there might be something to the story. "My ears pop every time I go near Redmond," he said.

"Microsoft doesn't suck," concluded Leatherbottom. "It just experiences extremely low air pressure."

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