The Lite Side

Gaps People Really Care About

- 2001.10.01

Here at the Lite Side we're always interested in exploiting conflict for money! That's what the American Dream is all about! And where there's conflict, there's sure to be a "gap" defined on some evening news program - such as the gender gap, the generation gap, and the gap between David Letterman's teeth!

Only thing is, the kind of gaps you usually hear about are old, tired news to most of us. Either that, or GAPS are mall stores you wouldn't want to take your grandmother to visit, because she couldn't afford it on the allowance she gets at the rest home! The popular media doesn't usually deal with the kinds of decisions ordinary people make in their daily lives, like which side of the toast do you butter or what kind of lunch is most disgusting to your dentist! So we here at LEM decided to do something about it! That's why we present

Gaps People Really Care About

(with apologies to Mad magazine)

Dead Cow Gap
Burger King vs. McDonald's

McDonald's: We provide nutritious food at an affordable price.

Burger King: We flame broil our burgers, and they taste better, too!

McDonald's: Hasn't anyone told you that burned meat is a carcinogen?

Burger King: Hasn't anyone told you that hamburger comes from cows?

The Lite Side: Our personal favorite is salt, lightly seasoned with french fries. Urk! Gark! Bleah! Eat a salad!

Commuter Gap
Public transit vs. driving your self

Public transit: Riding the train is better for the environment and lets you read or take a nap.

Driving Yourself: When you drive yourself you can go where you want to go, when you want to go there.

Public Transit: You call sitting in traffic jams going where you want to go?

Driving Yourself: It's hard to sleep when the creep next to you reeks of four kinds of cheap liquor!

The Lite Side: We prefer jobs where you don't have to commute every day, like the job that starts with winning the lottery!

The Star Trek
The Original Series (TOS) vs. The Next Generation (TNG)

TOS: There's nothing like Classic Trek for genuine human drama.

TNG: Our show is more sensitive to the diversity of 20th century culture.

TOS: Those NextGen people are stiff and wooden like Al Gore! They don't get upset about anything!

TNG: Oh yeah? Well Kirk was responsible for spreading AIDS over half the galaxy!

The Lite Side: We're still waiting to find out if Kirk is Spock's father!

Baby Bottom Gap: Pampers vs. Cloth diapers

Pampers: New Pampers with Baby Dry keep you drier than ever!

Cloth: The natural way to keep your baby healthy.

Pampers: Who wants to handle wet cotton diapers? The mess! The smell!

Cloth: What is that gooey little grit that soaks up the wetness in those disposable diapers? Some day some kid's going to eat one of those diapers and dehydrate himself!

The Lite Side: We find that many of these problems go away if you don't feed the brat!

The Brain Gap:
PBS vs. Nickelodeon

PBS: Enjoy our educational programming free of commercial interruptions.

Nickelodeon: Our popular programs are supported by sponsors who provide valuable services for parents.

PBS: We sell stuff, too - like Elmo dolls! We just don't rub your face in it every ten minutes! Those other guys, all they can come up with is some green puke goo!

Nickelodeon: At least our children's characters aren't morons like Blarney and the Teledummies are! That's what makes me want to puke!

The Lite Side: Our TV stayed on WCW SmackDown so long the channel selector melted stuck! We have no idea what you're arguing about!

The Rust Bucket Gap
Dodge vs. Ford

Dodge: Dodge Different.

Ford: Quality is Job One.

Dodge: And Job 2 is restarting the car you Found On the Road Dead!

Ford: What's with those hog-nosed trucks you make, anyway?

The Lite Side: Our current car is an Edsel and our dream car is a DeLorean! We think it's time to go back to the good old days, like before Lee Iacocca asked for money to sell his company to Germany!

The Boob Tube Gap
Video vs. DVD

Video: Video tape is an inexpensive way for you to see the latest movies.

DVD: DVD lets you see digital-quality playback on your TV or on your PC!

Video: Who wants to watch a movie on their PC when they spend all day working on it?

DVD: At least DVD players don't have tracking problems that make you think you're a 60s hippie doing LSD!

The Lite Side: We worked for hours to come up with a novel idea: See a movie in a theater, morons! Better yet, read a novel in a theater! You know what we mean!

The Brain Gap II
Nintendo vs. Playstation

Nintendo: Nintindo RULZ!

Playstation: PLAYSTATIONE RULZ!

Nintendo: PLAYSTASHUN SUX!

Playstation: NINTINDO RILLY SUX!!!! U SUK 2! I KANT SPEL!

The Lite Side: It's great to see our education system still encourages meaningful debate!

The Browser Gap
Netscape vs Explorer

Marc Andreesen: Our browser's so good, we decided to give it away for free!

Bill Gates: I'm so dang rich, I decided to give our browser away for free!

Marc: The only reason people use Explorer is because they're too stupid to do anything but your illegal monopolistic default install!

Bill: When you get a worldwide monopoly on the basic piece of office equipment, come back and talk to us! Otherwise, go home and take a nap, loser! Come to think of it, don't you work for someone else now? Why are we arguing with you? We already won!

The Lite Side: If Mulder and Scully think there's a conspiracy in government, just wait until the Justice Department gets through with Micro$loth! Whohoo! Fur's gonna fly! Heads will roll! Pundits will pund!

The OS Gap
Macs vs. Windows PCs

Steve Jobs: Think Different!

Mike Dell: Too Different! No one wants a Mac! Buy Dell!

Steve Jobs: Dells are hot, underpowered and ugly!

Mike Dell: Jobs are unnecessary! I say get rid of 'em! ... um, wait...

The Lite Side: We're afraid our biases are showing! We use our Dell for a doorstop when it's not shipped out for service! Funny how the hard drive doesn't like being hit by a door!

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