- 2005.07.26

It seems that Microsoft is in a bit of a pickle because it chose a copyrighted name ("Vista") to replace the code-name "Longhorn" for the next version of Windows

Vista has been trademarked for software by a man named John Wall, who is looking into "discussing" the issue with Microsoft. In the unlikely event that the software behemoth loses this battle and has to change the name again, they're going to need some new monikers from which to choose. Here at the Lite Side we're always looking for ways to help our boys in Redmond (support the troops!) so we've prepared

The Emergency Backup Windows Replacement Name List (annotated)

The Rules are no numbers (like Windows 2000) or acronym-like code names (like NT) or cool-sounding meaningless tech labels (like XP). We're trying to be friendlier.

• Windows Double-Pained: With this new version clarity is better than ever and you're protected from viruses with only two easily navigated exploits left open by default.
• Windows French: Just like real Windows. Only French. Windows open in the middle when you click them.
• Windows Washed: Guaranteed virus and spyware and adware free for up to fifteen minutes.
• Windows Keyhole: Best for the peeping-Tom crowd.
• Windows Lookout: Windows keeps a "look out" and lets you know as soon as you've been infected.
• Windows Overlook: A few days of using Windows Overlook and you'll flip out. (Microsoft does not recommend you have any topiary animals in your garden if you use Windows Overlook.)
• Windows Windows: What word is friendlier than Windows?
• Windows Apple: There's one, for example.
• Windows Anthrax: There's another.
• Windows Better than a Poke in the Eye: Okay, this joke's worn out. Moving on.
• Windows Disney: Brilliant. Just brilliant. Microsoft is a lot like Disney: If you don't like the copyright rules, get the law changed. Just like Microsoft redefined Monopolistic Practices to mean Good For The Economy.
• Windows Charity: Like a lot of people, I have mixed feelings about Bill's adoption of charitable causes for the poor around the world. He seems sincere, but he extracted the money painfully from our backs and necks straining to get Windows to work right.
• Windows Shades: Keeps prying eyes off your data.
• Windows Panorama: designed for a 360° wraparound screen, Windows Pano (as we like to call it) slowly scrolls to the right on a regular monitor. Users can adjust the amount of time until the stuff they needed rolls back into view.
• Windows Aspect: As in, which aspect do you hate the most? The transparent Aqua-like interface rip-off or the complete rearrangement of all the icons and menu items you just got used to after years of trying?
• Windows with a View: Has a built-in Viewer that lets you see a list of all of your files in alphabetical order so you can find things. Eliminates anything not in a dictionary or containing the .DLL extension, or about 98% of the files on your hard drive.

Surely one of these ideas will suffice. You can thank me later, Bill. Remember, folks: You heard it here first, on the Lite Side!

• Link: Microsoft Windows' New Vista, Seattle Times