, 2005.06.06

Amidst all the hubbub about Apple adopting Intel chips that sent online pundits into spin mode and rotating faster than a pulsar last week, some other unanticipated announcements were made by Apple at the WWDC very, very, very early Monday morning.

Just trying to keep up is making us here at the Lite Side dizzy - that's why we've compiled

Other Announcements You Didn't Expect to Hear at WWDC

1. From now on, Macs will ship with three button mice, which Steve Jobs explained has never been done right until Apple innovated a new use for the third button - Morse code for text messaging, which we understand is faster than most other text entry systems you find on phones and such.
2. From now on, the spinning beach ball will be replaced with the user's choice of a spinning meatball, a leaking hourglass, a dog of some breed you can't quite identify leaping and flipping over, and Steve Ballmer doing the "monkey-boy dance."
3. Kernel Panics will be sold in grocery stores as a breakfast food.
4. Apple users will be required to enter an activation code to make the Dock appear. Every time. Every activation code costs $0.99 and can only be used once, sorta like a QuickTime Pro license. Oddly, this doesn't work as well as planned for raising revenue.
5. A kit containing spyware and adware tools is made available to developers. Apple will pay developers $50 for every spybot installed on the theory that it increases the number of programs available for the Mac.
6. Apple will provide dual-boot Windows XP home-edition and Mac OS X computers for the next three years until the entire Mac OS and software developer kits are completely Longhorn-compatible. Well, maybe sometime in the next five years. Or ten. Depends on when finally Longhorn ships.
7. Steve Jobs revealed that the entire Intel chip rumor was designed to cause Apple's stock price to fall, giving him an excuse to sue rumor sites for reporting the rumor. The resulting lawsuits will become the basis of an entire course on intellectual property rights at Harvard Law School.
8. The Apple device that will use the Intel chips is actually a coffee table - with built in cup warmers - and universal built-in television remotes - and a 30,000 GB hard drive - and a FireWire 800 port. It will look suspiciously like an iPod display for a CompUSA store. AirPort Extreme cards will be an add-on. If you pay $10 extra, you can have the modem removed.
9. Instead of listing items in the Finder as "User" and "Documents" and "Applications", items will now be called "My Applications" and "My Documents" and "My Applications" in an effort to personalize the platform.
10. Everyone has been mispronouncing the name of the Mac OS X 10.4 operating system. Instead of saying "TIE-GRR", as most people do, the correct pronunciation (as demonstrated by His Steveness) is "TIGG-GURR".

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