The Ultimate Spam Email

Dan Knight - 2005.02.10

Spam. Junk email. Unsolicited bulk email.

Whatever you call it, it's the biggest pain in the inbox since the invention of email. Worse, there seems to be almost no way of avoiding it without subjecting your friends to some sort of challenge-and-response system.

You know how that works. You send someone an email - sometimes a reply to one they just sent you - and you get an email back from their anti-spam service asking you to verify that you really sent it, verifying that you're a real person and not a spambot.

Hey, I just sent it, didn't I?

Unfortunately, the protocols governing email make it easy for spammers, and as I've been raging against that machine, I've seen a whole lot of spam in recent weeks. Phrases keep popping up - mortgage, former prime minister, lottery, Rolex, millions of dollars, \/iagara, add 3", cheating housewives, online meds, c-i-a-|-i-s, overseas business, office supplies, checks, toner, software, brand new stock - not to mention numerous misspellings and tortured use of the English language. (Although lately I've been receiving spam in Spanish and German as well.)

Well, it's time we put everything together and created the Lite Side's

Ultimate Spam Email

INTERNATIONAL EMAIL SWEEPSTAKES LOTTERY
PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPT.
REF: RSSL/61-ILGI0509/45
BATCH:RSSL/15/096/WRCS
RE: WINNING FINAL NOTIFICATION & PARTNERSHIP OFFER

This Is Not A Scam

Dear Winning Sir/Madam/President/CEO/Patsy,

Hi, it's me Tiffany/Brianna/Victoria/any other female you may fantasize about... my lame husband left me home alone again with his authentic reproduction fake Rolex that's just like your favorite actor wears.

I have a on-line profile you can check it out...if you want to get to know each other better we can have a date and experiment with my husband's |evitra while he is on a two month business trip because he doesn't love me anymore.

We happily announce to you the draw of the International Email Sweepstake Lottery programs held on the 14th september 2004.Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 212005600545 188 with Serial number 4888/02 drew the lucky numbers: 41-6-76-13-45-8, which subsequently won you the lottery.You have therefore been chosen to receive this very important request.

I Hope This Mail Meets You In Good Health And Spirit, I Am, TURKIN EZE, A Sierra Leonia. This may be our first, last, and only attempt to contact you, please do not wait until it's too late. Get your application in to us immediately.

Presently, I Live As A Refugee In republic of senegal dakar , With My Younger Sister, MONICA.I Am A Victim Of War And The Son Of Late Chief Dr.O.ONUORAH The Assassinated Former Assistant Director Of Sierra Leone Spam and Email Mining Corportation, Where Great Fortunes Were Made Selling OEM Software, Prescription Medications, Low Interest Mortgages, Knock Off Watches, And Cheating Housewife Services.

My Father Was Killed With Other Government Officials During Official Hours When The Rebel Troops Stormed And Raided The Mining Corporation Office At The Heat Of The Crisis In My Country. A Few Weeks Later, The Rebels Also Invaded Our Residential Building In Which My Mother And Two Of Our Security Men Were Killed In The Compound While I Was Out Testing \/iagara's Extra Three Inches With A $1 Cheating Housewife In Your Neighborhood And My Younger Sister Was In School.

I Had A Singular Shock And Trauma, Which Compelled Us To Flee From The Country To republic of senegal dakar By The Help Of An Army Colonel, Who Is A Close Friend Of My Late Father,We Would Like To Further Our Education If Not For The Death Of My Parents. I Have Never Worked To Earn My Living Since My Late Parents Had Enough Wealth For Us Thanks To Numerous Email Scams.

I Am Contacting You Now Because Of The Present Difficulty I Am Facing.

Unfortunately My Father's Two Accounts In West Africa Have Recently Been Frozen.However This Did Not Affect The Twenty Million And Six Hundred Thousand Dollars(Us$ 20,600,000), Which He Kept In a Washington Mutual Online Banking On My Name As The Next Of Kin. We Need This Money To Pay Our Low, Low 2.11% Mortgage On The Presidential Palace.

For Now, I Am Having Every Information And Document Needed For The Clearance Of The Money In The Foreign Finance Firm Banking Here With Me And I Want You To Act As The Beneficiary Of The Fund For Easy And Smooth Transfer To Your Account Abroad For Investment Purposes.

You Will No Doubt Be Adequately Compensated With As Well As A Percentage Of The Profit From Investment Of The Fund. Also You Will See To It That My Sister And I Come Over To Your Country At The Earliest Possible Time.

I Am Making This Request To You With Tears In My Eyes And I Feel That God Almighty Will Touch You With His Spirit To Listen To My Cry For Help And Answer Me Without Delay.

Since Our Breadwinner Is No More And This Is The Only Hope For Keeping Our International Online Black Market Prescription Medication Business Solvent.

You Positive Response Will Give Me The Greatest Joy And Relief. God Bless You For Your Kind Assistance We Have Agreed To Offer You 35% Of The Total Sum.Seriously Waiting For Your Urgent Reply Below Email.

For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information confidential till your claims is processed and your money remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize. This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some unscrupulous elements. Please be warned.

For due processing and remittance of your prize money to a designated account of your choice.

Remember,You are to contact our agents by email and within a week of receiving this notice.After this date, all funds will be returned as unclaimed.

Want to lower the expenses on ink products? At our International Internet discount store, customers can get quality products at the best price with the best service.

For all US orders over $45, the USPS delivery service is frree.

Get started!! Check the discount store for more great deals on ink toners and cartridges.

Save as much as 80% on ink products and get orders in the states shipped within 2 to 3 days from dakar senegal. We can also offer you ChecksExpress High Quality Pre-printed Checks free with your ink products order.

And don't foget to order your Microsoft, Adobe, Macromedia, and other possibly pirated software from our OEM CD online store. Save up to 80% and more on stolen, pirated, unlicensed, outdated, and other important types of software.

You will also qualify for a low 2.9% mortgage of $400,000 for aiding us in our desperate need. All we need is your credit card information to verify your credit score and we can approve you immediately.

And do not forget to open attached file, which will implant adware, spyware, and malicious viruses in your Windows computer and also turn it into a zombie email server so we can continue scams such as this.

Email :turkineze2004@walla.com.

Best regard,
MR.TURKIN.E.ONUORAH

P.S. We also own the software that can randomly misspell words, create bizarre capitalization schemes, substitute 0 for o, | for l, \/ for v, and all sorts of other nifty things. It can also append a string of dictionary words, a fake news story, or nonsense to your email to help it get past spam filters. Believe us, the patsys think this makes the emails we send legitimate.

out edmonds abridge deform genre beirut? debater colloquia cochran Iannulus our the teacart and at rental a alway on not we rival. reproach interaction, and some artistry. Future virtual realities will the current into a very deep ravine, where he lay for a long time in the present day, by general consent, as unworthy

Remember, Lite Side readers, you can fool some of the people all of the time and some of the people all of the time.