You Might Be a Mac Fanatic If

Charles Moore's recent column included a funny section called You Might Be a Mac User If, which I thought was hilarious.

I've recently been accused of being a Mac fanatic. Well, not so recently, too. Pretty much a long time now.

Anyway. So, lacking any decent ideas myself, I decided to blatantly steal this one and add my own entries, in a little ditty I like to call the Lite Side's

You might be a Mac fanatic if...

you can't remember what the right button on the mouse is for.

you know that the "Splat" really means "Interesting Object."

you sit down at a Windows computer and don't know what the Windows key is for.

you have to ask when you need to Control-Alt-Delete.

you get scared if you see a Blue Screen of Death.

you know that even if it has a Mac sticker on it, it probably doesn't come with a driver.

you have ever said to someone asking why your computer isn't dead/hasn't crashed/can print/can surf, "Because it's a Mac."

you have ever attended a Macworld Expo.

you know when Macworld is, even if you don't go.

you have ever taken the entire rack of MacAddict magazines and put them in front of the Windows magazines at the grocery store.

you know the difference between AppleTalk and LocalTalk.

you've seen Leander Kahney's book at Barnes and Noble, but you didn't buy it because he didn't mention you.

you know how to operate Exposé - and you've used it casually in front of Windows users.

you have functioning computers running every major numbered Mac OS (6, 7, 8, 9, and X).

you have more Macs in your house than people.

you had a virus on your computer - once.

you know how to use a paper clip to eject a drive.

you know how to do a warm restart with extensions disabled - at the same time.

you know how to make a Mac boot from a bootable CD when you first turn on the machine.

you can't quite bring yourself to speak badly of the Power Mac 5200, despite the fact that it sucked.

you've ever given anyone, anywhere, a Mac - for any reason.

you have an Apple sticker on one or more of these: your car, your door, your satchel, your cat.

you have an Apple tattoo in a place where someone might conceivably see it.

you've read more than one Lite Side column.

you've ever responded to LEM's "Best of the Mac Web" survey.

you know the difference between Macworld, MacUser, MacSurfer, and MacAddict.

you've ever read the entire credits of a Pixar movie to see if they mention Steve Jobs' name.

you've ever stopped shopping at a store just because their PC guy was rude to you when you asked a Mac question.

you've been in an Apple Store more than once or driven more than 100 miles to visit one.

you attended the opening day at any Apple Store.

you know the i isn't capitalized in Macintosh, iMac, iBook, iPod, iTunes, iSync....

you know the difference between "i-" and "Power-".

you cried the day that Bungie sold out.

you have ever paid a shareware fee out of a desire to keep a program writer happy with Mac users.

you bought an iPod to go with your Mac, not the reverse.

you ever sat on a committee, anywhere, that had something to do with platform preference.

you learned about Unix just to learn more about your Mac.

you corrected someone who wrote MAC for Mac.

you've networked a bunch of computers without training.

you are the first person to get your computer to print when everyone else is using a PC.

you are the only person still able to print/surf/connect to email when the rest of the company has gone kaput.

you've done without something you'd like to have (a game, for example) because you use a Mac.

you've ever had an argument about market share.

you shake your head when you read stuff like Rich Brook's "No Brainer" stuff.

you are torn between hating Bill Gates for his business and liking him for his philanthropy.

you are torn between hating Steve Jobs for killing the Newton and liking him for saving the Mac.

you know how to boot up a Mac in FireWire disk mode.

you know how to connect SCSI peripherals successfully.

you know that OS 7.5.3 is available for free - and you can find it on Apple's website.

you have ever signed a petition to allow OS 8.1 to be distributed for free.

you miss HyperCard.