The Lite Side

Assault with a Deadly Weapun

- 2003.11.11

I see this guy sitting in a bar, moaning. Being the good citizen that I am, I ask him what's wrong.

"I nearly killed my boss with my keyboard."

"Great Scott!" I declared. (Well, I actually said something else, but this is a family publication.) "What brought that on?"

"Well, it's like this," he said. "I was working on a presentation for my PHB [that's Pointy Haired Boss] when he came in and asked me how it was going. I said it was fine, except the stupid ALT key kept sticking on me. 'I wish I could get a Mac,' I said, but the boss really hates Macs, and he hates me asking about them, so that sets him off.

"'You're not going to get a blankety-blank Mac,' he says, 'and I wish you'd quit asking about it!'

"And then he slams his fist down on top of my computer, only it's made of cheap plastic, so it cracks open.

"'Oh no!,' he yells, and then of course he's all apologetic, trying to fix it. He opens up the cover and reaches in to start pulling things out, even though I'm telling him to unplug it first, and he yanks out my wireless access card, which is still active, because I know I just signed in to the WEP-encrypted wireless network.

"The card doesn't come out, so he starts cussing at me, and he starts stomping around, and then he trips on a cord in my office, does a header onto my keyboard, and plants his face right on my ALT key."

"My goodness!" I said. "What happened then?"

"Not only does he put a severe dent in his forehead, but he cuts his wrist on the wireless card and starts bleeding all over the floor. The secretary calls the cops, then they show up, and they blame me for the boss's injuries. Next thing you know, I'm being hauled out on charges. I just got out on bail, as a matter of fact. You'll never believe what they charged me with."

"What did they charge you with?" I says.

He said, "An ALT with a deadly WEP on."

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