The Lite Side

Weird Headlines Around the Web

- 2003.07.22

These headlines just in, taken from websites all over the world:

President Bush Declares Trustworthy WarMaking Initiative

"Voters must trust our invasions to have a basis in reality, and we've not done such a good job convincing them of that in the past."

Kobe Bryant Admits to Mac Use

Kobe apologizes for "Straying from the behavior you have all come to expect from me."

Windows XP to Come Closer to Earth than Mars in 2003

NASA scientist declares "It'll pass within 175,000 miles of the earth on September 5," according to sources. "If it struck the earth, computer viruses all over the world would become extinct."

Apple Develops World's Fastest Tennis Ball Tosser

According to Tennis Today, "This tennis ball tosser can throw 45 tennis balls simultaneously. It doesn't throw each one of them as fast as the fastest machine on the market, but it can throw more of them in the same amount of time."

BMW Uses Apple to Defend Low Market Share

From the German magazine Gortch. "BMW has defended its low status in the American marketplace by focusing on quality rather than quantity," according to a BMW spokesperson. "I mean, look at Apple Computer. Everyone thinks they're an insignificant part of the market due to their percentage of market share, but their influence is great due to their high quality and dedicated customer base, just like us."

Meteor Strikes France, Mac Website Downtime First Indication

From the website Grandes Pommes Frites D'Imper, most of southern France was wiped out by a giant meteor last Thursday, and the lack of updates from the popular site (which translates as Big Fry French Apple Fritter) site first alerted authorities to the tragedy.

Latest Microsoft Outbreak Isolated in South Africa

According to sources, the "Gruel" worm outbreak has been isolated and contained by forcing users to wear surgical masks and requiring complete isolation from the Internet. "It's the only way to contain the virus," according to officials. "Users must stay off the Net for two weeks and have their systems checked by a certified virus detection program."

World Health Organization officials estimate the outbreak can be contained, but only if everyone cooperates with the isolation rules and stays off the Net. "It only takes one doofus attempting to install a fake Windows patch to start infecting everyone all over again," according to a source we couldn't identify because he was wearing a surgical mask.

Well, that's it for this week. Come back next week to see what other interesting tidbits we can find on the Web.

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