The Lite Side

Apple Plans Strategic Retreat from OS 9

- 2002.11.19

CUPERTINO-- Apple Computer has announced its strategic plan to convert OS 9 users to OS X users. Following the pattern established by the inclusion of a Classic emulator in OS 9 with the subsequent decision to remove the OS 9 installer disk from current models to next year's planned blocking of direct booting into OS 9 from a new iMac, analysts at Penzance, Bluebeard, and Roberts have delineated what they recommend the niche computer maker should do to increase conversions to OS X.

Winter 2003: Apple no longer ships computers capable of booting into OS 9.

Summer 2003: All OS 9 software launches should be accompanied by a popup ad for OS X.

Winter 2003: Apple should alter its EULA to make it illegal to modify a new Mac to boot into OS 9. We anticipate large numbers of hobbyists will create shareware utilities to restore the lost OS 9 booting option to OS X.

Spring 2004: Apple's iDisk and .Mac services should become completely incompatible to OS 9 users.

Summer 2004: Apple will be well advised to release a new version of AppleWorks which is no longer compatible with OS 9.

Spring 2005: As we see it, Apple's new OS installer should use an online registration system to delete OS 9 from your hard drive during OS X installation. Users can, if determined, find a software control to turn this function off. This function is eliminated shortly after an explanation for how to do it appears on Mac OS X Hints.

Spring 2006: Apple will probably license Microsoft's new BrainScan technology to find out if you use, or know someone who uses, OS 9 in a machine manufactured after 2002.

Summer 2006: Apple will probably do well to release all-new versions of all the iApps that contain a virus specifically engineered to crash pre-OS X computers.

Summer 2008: Apple's remaining strategy will be to target the remaining seventeen OS 9 users with cease-and-desist letters. Fear of Apple's legal department will finally, finally spell the end of the reviled OS 9.

Disclosure Statement: Penzance, Bluebeard, and Roberts have an investment in Microsoft stock, and all own IBM ThinkPads.

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