Universal All Purpose Mac Editorial Generator

Shocking Developments in
the Apple Orchard of Products

In the Choose a LENGTH OF TIME several years four months 4 days hour and six minutes I have been using a Mac, I have seen many Choose a DESCRIPTIVE TERM inane lame brilliant derivative moronic sophomoric isobaric monumentally irrational reality defying brain-numbingly stupid things. For example, Choose a THING Apple coming up with ".Mac" Cancellation of the Newton eMachines iMac ripoff anything made by Dell anything made by Packard-Bell Microsoft Bob Windows Me Intel Flameproof Bunnymen the Dell Dude a Performa and Choose a THING Apple coming up with ".Mac" Cancellation of the Newton eMachines iMac ripoff anything made by Dell anything made by Packard-Bell Microsoft Bob Windows Me Intel Flameproof Bunnymen the Dell Dude a Performa a flux capacitor two Ellen Degeneres TV shows the hair club for men that guy from Men's Wearhouse fake set-up stunts for America's funniest home videos . I have even seen Choose a THING Apple coming up with ".Mac" Cancellation of the Newton eMachines iMac ripoff anything made by Dell anything made by Packard-Bell Microsoft Bob Windows Me Intel Flameproof Bunnymen the Dell Dude a kid run out of things to pierce Spongebob Squarepants the PowerPuff Girls restauranteurs giving 4 year olds a fistful of crayons to take home . But never in my career as a writer on the Mac Web have I seen something so Choose a DESCRIPTIVE TERM inane lame brilliant derivative moronic sophomoric isobaric monumentally irrational reality defying brain-numbingly stupid as this: the almost breathtakingly stupid announcement Choose a THING eMac as powerful as a Power Mac iBook without a G4 digital camera that is not Mac Compatible no free option for .Mac suddenly dead Wallstreet laptop dead first generation iMac power supply the dropping of the only mid-range web page builder on the market Education discounts not worth the time to use Incredible shrinking warranty .

That's definitely going to spell doom for Apple. In my mind, the only way out is for Apple to develop a Choose a THING intel-based Macintosh new handheld device home theatre firewire-hub G5-from-IBM-Mac new advertising campaign dockable laptop suite of software for Windows new non-UNIX OS 10 for diehard customers computer that will run OS 9 forever giant exploding cake with dancing girls inside missle with the Dell Dude's face on it Frickin' evil Mac Genius T-Shirt . The resulting sales should prevent the pending disaster.

Now, if you ask me, Apple should create this thing and Choose a MARKETING STRATEGY give it away include it with OS disks, but not as a download give it away for free for now, then charge for it later Sell it for $10,000 Make a Windows version, but charge for it while the Mac version is free Buy a company that makes a good version of it, then drop the Windows version without warning . It's not like they need the money. After all, they have Choose an AMOUNT OF MONEY a million dollars 4 billion dollars 136,000 dollars no money A box of really old Forrest Gump chocolates A discount Fry's coupon in the bank and can run the company off of that if necessary. Sometimes you have to spend money to make money.

Consider the case of Choose a PERSON NOT LIKE YOU. investment banker Joe Simoleon race car driver Ralph Byway astronaut Sally Ride CEO Bill Gates Vice President Cheney fictional character Jimmy Neutron . If they buy Apple's hardware, they may have to give up their Choose a THING PEOPLE NEED breathing Reese's cups Nutty Bars butter on movie popcorn colored floppy disks .Mac email address frontal lobe Cheez-Wiz . So Apple should make theirs compatible with choose a MANUFACTURER Intel AMD Radio Shack Frito-Lay and run it on choose a PLATFORM a PC beige box an old 286 a Mac 512 a Timex-Sinclair 1000 a bowl of salsa a nuclear powered submarine a home version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire .

"Everyone I know uses a Choose a BRAND OF COMPUTER Dell Confabulation Hewlett-Packard...no, Packard-Hewlett...I forget now Compaq Trashtor Walmart OS-Less Junk Bag IBM mainframe Sun workstation Linux box...no computer, just a box Timex Sinclair 1000 AIM-65 UNIVAC MULTIVAC Robby the Robot ," according to Choose a FAMOUS PERSON Ellen Feiss Dell Dude Former Vice President Al Gore Former Vice President Dan Quayle Jimmy Neutron that guy who leaped into the dragon's mouth with an axe in that one movie my mother in law . "And as everyone knows, it's better to conform than to think for yourself."

Would you want to live without Choose a THING PEOPLE NEED breathing Reese's cups Nutty Bars butter on movie popcorn colored floppy disks .Mac email address frontal lobe Cheez-Wiz ? I know I wouldn't. That's why we should Choose an ACTIVITY start an online petition start a web site start an email chain letter campaign start a DOS attack start posting on the help forum start a dot-com start up a revolution start coughing like crazy when ever the topic comes up start writing all kinds of uninformed opinion columns to force Choose a SOFTWARE VENDOR Apple Microsoft Intel the Dell Dude some Linux programmer who lives in an apartment with six other guys a grad student about to flunk out of school for playing Unreal Tournament too much Gary Coleman to provide an equivalent product for our favorite computing platform.

Before it's too late.