The Lite Side

More Rejected Switchers
and Other Letters to Apple

- 2002.08.27

Presenting still more of the rejected switchers candidates Apple didn't want you to see....

Dear Apple,

I'll have mine with double cheese, with Diet Coke, supersized. Glad I switched to a Mac.

Ronald McDonald

Dear Apple

I switched to a PC from a Mac a long time ago. I had a thing called a Power Mac 5200, and man, let me tell you, it was slooooow as Christmas. I hit the power key last June, and the thing just now started up. I inserted a floppy and could count the spins as the platter turned. It's a good thing I'm a good typist, because it takes forty-two minutes for a letter to display once I hit a key. If I make a speling error, I never go back to corejsoipvnn safhjsdio dnfouihsa. Sorry about that, fingers misaligned on keyboard.

Oh, I see, you want people who switched to Macs, not from Macs. I've already typed this, so I'm sending it anyway. You probably won't get it until August.

Les Wesman

Dear Apple

I'm writing to share a tragic little story

My dad has a PC that my sister and I used to use for our homework assignments. [roll eyes around room] One night, I was writing a paper on it, [pause] when all of a sudden [pause again] it went berserk, [BIG pause] the screen started flashing, and the whole paper just disappeared. [Pause. Open mouth in astonishment.] All of it. And it was a good paper! I had to cram and rewrite it really quickly. Needless to say, my rushed paper wasn't nearly as good, and I blame the PC for the grade I got. [open eyes]

I'm happy to report that my sister and I now share an Apple PowerBook... [editor's note: Oops, sorry, this one wasn't rejected - my bad.]

Dear Mr. APPLE@MAC.COM

Would you like to have new, modern aluminum siding on your home at 1 ELLIPSE CIRCLE in CUPERTINO, CALIFORNIA? You too can afford this beautiful latex-coated aluminum siding at a price you will be surprised to find is well within your budget. Just contact me at your convenience for more details.

Allen Paymor
EZCHEEP siding of AMERICA, INC

Dear Apple

The deer is winding the toybox. Elves are in the hairbrush. Repeat, elves are in the hairbrush. You are go for WeaselPop. I say again, you are go for WeaselPop.

Name Withheld on Threat of Death

Dear Apple

I just wanted to let you know I finally gave up on my HP RPN calculator on advice from my therapist and now am switching to a Mac to prevent any more episodes like the one yesterday at the mall.

Leon Norton
US Postal Service Inspector

Dear Apple

You can bite me!

Get it?

You're an apple, and I told you to bite me!

Get it?

I just slay myself sometimes.

Sincerely,
David Spade

Dear Apple,

I did not find that cease-and-desist letter you sent to me at all amusing. What a waste of bandwidth.

Sincerely,
Steven Jobs

Dear Apple,

In the future, everyone will use one Mac, and they will all access it from a central server. They will be able to buy a terminal for it for only $12.95. But there will be a monthly access fee, which will increase over time. If you join with me, we can rule the server forever! Soon my plan will come to fruition, and everyone will switch. Everyone, do you hear!

Buhwahahahaha

Sincerely,
Larry Ellison

Dear Apple,

I was just wondering, since you guys were out of business, if you know where I can get a new Mac real cheap for my sister. If you are having a fire sale, just let me know. It'd be a good time to switch.

Best Regards,
Darryl Hairback

Dear Apple,

If you weren't so confabulated with that Clinton fellow, we could probably find a way to transmeta ourselves to your way of computing. In the interests of national security, I don't think we'll be able to constrict bidness with you.

Thank you for Writing and Don't Forget To Vote if You Live In Florida,
George "Dubya" Bush

Dear Apple,

I know how to talk to Mac users. Heck, I've been a Mac user myself. And my respected colleagues across the aisle think I'm talking about hamburgers when I tell them about the virtues of the Mac. I don't even capitalize all the letters when I write it. Vote for me.

Sincerely,
Albert Gore

Dear Apple,

I switched out a long time ago, and I'm a better man for it. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Steve Wozniak

Want to read more? See Rejected reasons to "Switch".

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