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Dude, I Can't Help Myself

2002.02.25

A reader recently chastised me for continuing the Mac/PC debate when we should all learn to just get along as reasonable, mature people. His argument was persuasive - up until I remembered the sleepy eyed slacker guy, Steven the Dell Dude.

I'm sorry, friends, I just can't help myself.

Here, then, for your enjoyment is a collection of "Dudeisms" which you may find splendiferously amusing, oh dudes and dudettes.

Blooper Reel from Dell Computer Commercial

Steven: So, Dude, your mom bought your computer yet?

Clueless Idiot: Nah, she can't make up her mind.

Steven: Let me handle this. Yo, Ms. Mom. I have just a little bit of info that may have a bearing on your decision-making nexus.

Mom: Huh?

Steven: Listen to this: 800 MHz PowerPC processor, flat panel integrated display that just seems to float in midair, iTunes to rock your world, industrial design that just won't quit . . .

Director: Cut, cut, CUT! What the hell are you doing? Those aren't the specifications for the model we're promoting!

Steven: I just read the cue cards, dude. Look right over there, K?

Director: Where the hell did these Chiat-Day boards come from? We're wasting time here people. Listen, Steven baby, you've got to know this isn't even specs from a Dell. It's from a Mac.

Steven: Hey dude, I just read the technobabble. No one believes I actually know what I'm talking about, do they? Dude? Du-ude?

Dudeisms

"Dude, I haven't got a clue. Ask a salesman."

"Dude, for the money they're giving me I could talk your mom into buying an eMachine."

"Dude, with a Dell in your dorm you won't need a hot-plate."

"Dude, you're getting a Dell? Whoa, are you getting a technician, too? Some people are, you know, like wealthy as all get out."

"Dude, if you buy two Dells you can reinstall Windows XP like six whole times for free."

"Dude, I'd tell you all about dot-net, but I really don't know anything about computers. I'm just a sleepy-eyed slacker guy from New York tryin' to make a few bucks before my 15 minutes of fame are gone."

How to pronounce the many variations of "Dude"

Just like the Eskimos and their many words for "snow," there are many interpretations of the word "dude" based on how you pronounce it.

Doo-ood, as in "Dude, yer gettin' a Dell. Since it's free, I got no objections."

Dood!, as in "Dude! Take that Dell back before it melts through your desk!"

Oh, DOOoohd, as in "Dude! Where's the product activation key?"

Dewd (spoken through clenched teeth), as in "Dude. Do not lay that Dell crap on my doorstep again."

Dood! Dood! Dood!, as in "Look at that highly attractive female standing next to that Dell."

DoooOOOD?, as in "I thought we had already decided not to buy a Dell. What are you doing over here?"

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