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The Lite Side

Keep the Mac Off Your Network

A Strategy Guide for IT Directors

- 2001.05.11

As everyone knows, in order to graduate from any reputable IT school, the anti-Mac chant is our first line of defense against having to deal with Mac users. Remember, a happy Mac user is an IT administrator's nightmare . . . because they never call you!

The little ditty varies from IT school to IT school, but it goes something like this:

As a graduate of a tech-savvy big school
There's one more thing you must learn to not be a fool.
It's about these computers you may have heard tell,
Called Macintoshes, and they really work well.
 
When the Mac users start bringing their Macs from home
And attach to your network and then start to roam,
You must resist their efforts to invade your domain
By giving the Mac users maximum pain.
 
You tell them at first Macs aren't compatible
With networks like ours Mac use is impossible!
Start talking about routers and servers and things
Like throughput and log-ins and firewalls and pings.
 
Tell how many hours you spend working on "Mac",
While ignoring time spent putting Windows on track.
Don't forget while you're at it to malign AppleTalk
You must dispose of it so don't bother to balk.
 
When the time comes to phase the Macs out
Here is the strategy that's best without doubt.
First you must search for a new application
Which all users must use to avoid complication.
 
This application must not have a Mac version
Or if it does, soon must have a revision
Which Macs run real slow or can't even make go
Requiring the switch to a new platform station.
 
Another strategy you'll find useful today
Is to point out that Apple will soon go away
Or aren't they gone yet? It sure seems like they are
When you go to the big store they're only seen from afar.
 
Still, some will insist that Macs are much better
With these users you often can get by with a letter
From their boss saying they must learn to comply
Or soon their small jobs will start waving "bye-bye."
 
If the Mac user's a boss you've got trouble brewing,
Roll out the big guns and start yellin' - no fooling.
Start telling how market share's starting to plummet,
An investment in Apple's like holes in a bucket.
 
If you tell him that AppleTalk really is chatty
Most bosses will look at you as if you were batty.
You've got to use arguments that affect the state
Of profit and loss and shipping and crate
 
You mustn't lie to them but do fail to point out
That Office works fine and Open Transport can route
Plus AppleTalk users can be confined to one zone
And tech support is available from any old phone.
 
Don't mention to him that soon your whole staff
Will no longer exist because (now don't laugh)
You'll need only one person to handle it all
And all they will get is an occasional call.
 
Remember from now on to whom the power belongs
It's you, the person subjected to horrible wrongs
Like having to learn about something a bit new
For users who have values that mean nothing to you.
 
Like how easy a Mac is to learn on the fly
Without having to call in a special tech guy
And how everything seems to just fit together
And work from the first and on to forever.
 
Plus don't forget when something really goes wrong
They can repair it themselves and it never takes long
Just by restarting the computer and learning to press
The space bar and clicking extensions no less.
 
So when someone at your site starts talking about Mac
Never take it in stride; you must start to attack
Say something every day that's really unfair
And soon the Mac user will give up, in despair.

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