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Keep the Mac Off Your Network

A Strategy Guide for IT Directors

As everyone knows, in order to graduate from any reputable IT school, the anti-Mac chant is our first line of defense against having to deal with Mac users. Remember, a happy Mac user is an IT administrator's nightmare . . . because they never call you!

The little ditty varies from IT school to IT school, but it goes something like this:

As a graduate of a tech-savvy big school

There's one more thing you must learn to not be a fool.

It's about these computers you may have heard tell,

Called Macintoshes, and they really work well.

 

When the Mac users start bringing their Macs from home

And attach to your network and then start to roam,

You must resist their efforts to invade your domain

By giving the Mac users maximum pain.

 

You tell them at first Macs aren't compatible

With networks like ours Mac use is impossible!

Start talking about routers and servers and things

Like throughput and log-ins and firewalls and pings.

 

Tell how many hours you spend working on "Mac",

While ignoring time spent putting Windows on track.

Don't forget while you're at it to malign AppleTalk

You must dispose of it so don't bother to balk.

 

When the time comes to phase the Macs out

Here is the strategy that's best without doubt.

First you must search for a new application

Which all users must use to avoid complication.

 

This application must not have a Mac version

Or if it does, soon must have a revision

Which Macs run real slow or can't even make go

Requiring the switch to a new platform station.

 

Another strategy you'll find useful today

Is to point out that Apple will soon go away

Or aren't they gone yet? It sure seems like they are

When you go to the big store they're only seen from afar.

 

Still, some will insist that Macs are much better

With these users you often can get by with a letter

From their boss saying they must learn to comply

Or soon their small jobs will start waving "bye-bye."

 

If the Mac user's a boss you've got trouble brewing,

Roll out the big guns and start yellin' - no fooling.

Start telling how market share's starting to plummet,

An investment in Apple's like holes in a bucket.

 

If you tell him that AppleTalk really is chatty

Most bosses will look at you as if you were batty.

You've got to use arguments that affect the state

Of profit and loss and shipping and crate

 

You mustn't lie to them but do fail to point out

That Office works fine and Open Transport can route

Plus AppleTalk users can be confined to one zone

And tech support is available from any old phone.

 

Don't mention to him that soon your whole staff

Will no longer exist because (now don't laugh)

You'll need only one person to handle it all

And all they will get is an occasional call.

 

Remember from now on to whom the power belongs

It's you, the person subjected to horrible wrongs

Like having to learn about something a bit new

For users who have values that mean nothing to you.

 

Like how easy a Mac is to learn on the fly

Without having to call in a special tech guy

And how everything seems to just fit together

And work from the first and on to forever.

 

Plus don't forget when something really goes wrong

They can repair it themselves and it never takes long

Just by restarting the computer and learning to press

The space bar and clicking extensions no less.

 

So when someone at your site starts talking about Mac

Never take it in stride; you must start to attack

Say something every day that's really unfair

And soon the Mac user will give up, in despair.

Recent Lite Sides

• What if Apple thought like a PC company?, 11.01. Apple has innovated and blazed its own trail. But what if it had followed the path taken by the PC copycats?
• How Microsoft can turn Vista lemons into lemonade, 10.22. How Microsoft could profit by no longer allowing manufacturers to sell new PCs with Windows XP installed.
• iPods that never passed beta or focus groups, 09.13. "What most Apple fans don't realize is that there were a few iPod variants that never made it out of beta testing and the focus group stage."
• Pigs fly, snow in Death Valley, and Dvorak uses a Mac, 08.03. What has the world come to when John Dvorak, founding member of the Axis of Macevil, walks into the temple of All Things Macintosh?
• More in the The Lite Side index.

Links for the Day

• Mac of the Day: PowerBook 170, Oct. 1991 - At 25 MHz, the PB 170 was at the top of the original PowerBook line.
• List of the Day: The iPhone List Low End Mac's forum for discussing and supporting Apple's iPhone.
  
• August 30 in LEM history: 99: The truth about USB speed - 00: Could Eazel kill the Mac? - Mac OS 8.1 on a IIci and LC III - 01: Beyond MHz and GHz - Getting a handle on email - Thanks for the IBM PC, Dad - Apple's anniversaries - 02: Mac OS X v10.2 - iBook video out - 04: Things that freak out my students - 06: Nvu and SeaMonkey can't replace Home Page - 07: DVD-RAM support

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