Super Stuck in Pencil Stupor

Superintended Marion B. Defiant, director of the East Hogwash School District declares pencils "obsolete"; requires use of erasable ink on all future handwritten student work

by Broderick Sagacious
September 19, 2001 7:30 am ET

EAST HOGWASH -- PencilCentral, reporting for Low End Writing Utensil, has learned that the East Hogwash School District has declared pencils "pencila non grata" and despite the district's investment in hundreds and thousands of the traditional marking devices, they are no longer welcome in Hogwash.

"Pencils are passé," said the Superintended at a press conference. "Erasable ink is the flow of the future. Besides," he added, "90 percent of accountants use erasable ink, so schools should, too. I am assured by our Writing Utensil support staff that we will only need to hire an additional eight people to maintain the district-sponsored ink supply, which we received at a discount from E-Ink Manufacturing." No one from the W-T (Writing uTensil) department was available for comment.

PencilCentral has learned that E-Ink manufacturing has a factory in East Hogwash, and a grant from the company was given to the district on the condition that the district eliminate all of its traditional carbon-based marking devices, which teachers and students both prefer.

"Erasable ink gets all over my clothes, and it's hecka gross," said Sandy Stampmore, a varsity cheerleader at the school. "I want to use pencils again."

"We've used pencils since I started teaching, and I see no reason to waste the district's money on switching," said one employee who chose to remain nameless just in case the Superintended reads this column. The staff member, 39 year old Fred Smith of Drillmore Elementary, continued, saying "Now we'll have to pay for technicians to refill our pens with genuine E-Ink™ brand ink, and what's more, there's no budget to pay for new erasers. And believe me," he continued, adjusting his identity-hiding mask, accidentally reveal his bearded face, "we're going to need erasers."

The district has stockpiled over 34,000 writing utensils, which will be phased out as they get worn to the nub, said the superintended. The district plans to throw pens at random teenagers in the high school until they become thoroughly embedded, then continue the process on down through the middle school. They plan to use duct tape on the smaller children, however.

"Those kids couldn't keep track of their heads if they weren't attached," admitted the Superintended.

"The fact is, the Superintendent can't figure out how to use a pencil," said Mary Ann Kreuger, another employee who wishes to remain anonymous. "That's why he uses erasable ink: he's never had to sharpen a pencil in his life. And besides, he's an accountant, not a person-who-makes-marks-on-paper-in-schools."

Contacted by PencilCentral, the Superintendent had this to say: "Ink good. Pencils bad. Need more grants."

This isn't the first time a Superintended of Public Schoolmarming has declared pencils obsolete. Last year the district in West Mayberry abandoned pencils despite impassioned please from citizens such as Mary B. Posty-Toasty, who set up an entire Web site designed to promote the benefits of pencils. In that district, a more or less neutral WT staff turned against pencils because of the fanatical devotion of Posty-Toasty and others to the venerable writing tool.

"She was, like you know, actually sort of making marks on the paper? You know? Uh, she was hecka writing with it," said one WT staff member who begged us to print his name. "I couldn't believe she would do that right out in front of the district office and everything," the anonymous staffer continued. "We got hundreds of pencil-written postcards in the mail," this faceless confessor continued," and that pencil lead gets on everything. Besides," he concluded, "lead is toxic."

Mary B. Posty-Toasty contributed to this article.

POST YOUR COMMENTS BELOW

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I hate pencils and look on the web for articles about them just so I can tell pencil users how stupid they are..... [InkSpot34@nowhere.com]

Just another example of short-sighted inkmongers .... [BigBill@yahoo.netorg]

Ink is just another right-handers consipiracy to put down lefties ... [Southpaw@evil.com]

Pencils have had erasers since 1845...where was your stupid ink then....[PencilPusher@lowbrow.comcom]

Pencils were invented in 1832 you idiot check out this link http://www.pencils.co.uk/c_history.htm....[NubbinWriter34@here.I.am]

INK RULZ PENCEALS SUCK ... [Anonymous@generallee.bite.me]

You want some of this? Come on over, you wuss -- I got your smeary ink pen right here ... [generallee@bite.gro]

I have an uncle who lives in England... [Flatular@mymy.ohmy.com]

What the [deleted] are you talking about.... [PencilPusher@lowbrow.comcom]

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