The Lite Side

Dead People Don't Use Windows

- 2001.08.27

In light of the recent admission by Microsoft that "funded advocacy groups" have sent letters from dead people to newspapers in support of the beleaguered* computer software company, Apple Computer has issued a press release noting the tremendous advantages the Macintosh computer has for the "dead or recently unliving."

Among other advantages, the Macintosh offers these feature of unique interest to its dead customers:

Ability to restart the computer via the Energy Saver control panel at specific times, such as midnight.
One-button whole-mouse operation, easier for those hands that aren't as flexible as they used to be.
High resolution monitors with on-the-maggot resolution switching.
Ability to apply high voltages to peripherals (such as your heart) directly from the powered USB and FireWire ports.
High-resolution printing capable of printing death certificates valid in 49 states (except Washington State, which requires a valid Microsoft Owner's Permit and Valid Registration Number. Apple is currently working on this compatibility issue with the Microsoft Undead Business Unit).

Mainstream media, however, see the dead as a strong market for Microsoft, which has inspired people to accidentally "cross over" in fits of anger directed at high-voltage CRT units. Macintosh computers, except for iMacs, are not based on dangerous CRT technology, will require other tactics to convert customers via lethal doses of electrical current. The low-power USB and FireWire strategies are deemed too slow by the gaming community, which claims it often takes weeks or months of exposure to get the same level of crispiness that only a few minutes of Windows can generate. An Apple spokesperson declined to comment on the persistent rumors that Apple is preparing an LCD-based iMac to serve these customers with an exposed, high voltage frame to take the place of the heavier and bulkier CRT voltage conversion unit.

Windows advocacy groups "Gates of Hell" and "Picture Windows over Valhalla" said that aside from the appropriateness of Windows for the brain-dead, they also believed that, quote, "aaarguh, grap, fragulll." A spokesman for Microsoft declined to elaborate or translate but did note the grammatical parallels between "Windows innovation" and "living dead."

*"Beleaguered. He said 'beleaguered'... heh, heh."

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