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Dead People Don't Use Windows

In light of the recent admission by Microsoft that "funded advocacy groups" have sent letters from dead people to newspapers in support of the beleaguered* computer software company, Apple Computer has issued a press release noting the tremendous advantages the Macintosh computer has for the "dead or recently unliving."

Among other advantages, the Macintosh offers these feature of unique interest to its dead customers:

• Ability to restart the computer via the Energy Saver control panel at specific times, such as midnight.
• One-button whole-mouse operation, easier for those hands that aren't as flexible as they used to be.
• High resolution monitors with on-the-maggot resolution switching.
• Ability to apply high voltages to peripherals (such as your heart) directly from the powered USB and FireWire ports.
• High-resolution printing capable of printing death certificates valid in 49 states (except Washington State, which requires a valid Microsoft Owner's Permit and Valid Registration Number. Apple is currently working on this compatibility issue with the Microsoft Undead Business Unit).

Mainstream media, however, see the dead as a strong market for Microsoft, which has inspired people to accidentally "cross over" in fits of anger directed at high-voltage CRT units. Macintosh computers, except for iMacs, are not based on dangerous CRT technology, will require other tactics to convert customers via lethal doses of electrical current. The low-power USB and FireWire strategies are deemed too slow by the gaming community, which claims it often takes weeks or months of exposure to get the same level of crispiness that only a few minutes of Windows can generate. An Apple spokesperson declined to comment on the persistent rumors that Apple is preparing an LCD-based iMac to serve these customers with an exposed, high voltage frame to take the place of the heavier and bulkier CRT voltage conversion unit.

Windows advocacy groups "Gates of Hell" and "Picture Windows over Valhalla" said that aside from the appropriateness of Windows for the brain-dead, they also believed that, quote, "aaarguh, grap, fragulll." A spokesman for Microsoft declined to elaborate or translate but did note the grammatical parallels between "Windows innovation" and "living dead."

*"Beleaguered. He said 'beleaguered'... heh, heh."

Recent Lite Sides

• What if Apple thought like a PC company?, 11.01. Apple has innovated and blazed its own trail. But what if it had followed the path taken by the PC copycats?
• How Microsoft can turn Vista lemons into lemonade, 10.22. How Microsoft could profit by no longer allowing manufacturers to sell new PCs with Windows XP installed.
• iPods that never passed beta or focus groups, 09.13. "What most Apple fans don't realize is that there were a few iPod variants that never made it out of beta testing and the focus group stage."
• Pigs fly, snow in Death Valley, and Dvorak uses a Mac, 08.03. What has the world come to when John Dvorak, founding member of the Axis of Macevil, walks into the temple of All Things Macintosh?
• More in the The Lite Side index.

Links for the Day

• Mac of the Day: 'Yikes!' Power Mac G4, Aug. 1999 - The only Power Mac G4 with PCI graphics was built on a modified G3 motherboard.
• Group of the Day: SuperMacs is for those using Umax SuperMac clones.
  
• November 21 in LEM history: 00: OS upgrades, downgrades - AltiVec vs. Pentium III - 01: Saved by the clones - Computer of the future - 02: Apple Education: Let's get to it - 03: Panther lets Macs and PCs work together, - Lombard SCSI bug - 05: 3 survivors from the 1970s - Real world battery life inadequate - Windows to Mac file transfer with Zip disks - $99 alternative to Microsoft Office - 06: Parallels 1.0 far more polished than beta

Recent Content on Low End Mac

• iPhone #1 Worldwide, Google Voice Search for iPhone, iPhone 3G Battery Pack, and More, iNews Review, 11.21. Also British accents throw off Google voice search, lots of new iPhone apps, universal USB car charger, new protective cases, and more.
• DisplayPort Copy Protection, Trackpad Update, Netbooks Not to Be Taken Lightly, and More, The 'Book Review, 11.21. Also Apple set for record sales, 4-finger gestures on original MacBook Air, MacBook Apple's best consumer notebook to date, Cricket laptop stand, bargain 'Books from $490 to $2,299, and more.
• 15 Reasons Macs Are Better, Quad-core iMac in January?, USB 3.0 Spec Finalized, and More, Mac News Review, 11.21. Also 25 years of Macs, 'Snow Leopard' in Q1?, SimpleTech's faster and greener hard drive, Hyperspaces, StarOffice for OS X, and more.
• Virtualization Shootout: VMWare Fusion 2 vs. Parallels Desktop 4, Kev Kitchens, Kitchens Sync, 11.20. Both programs do the same thing, but one runs Windows XP smoothly alongside Mac apps, while the other bogs down everything but Windows.
• Just Right: Papa Bear, Mama Bear, and Baby Bear MacBooks, Charles W. Moore, 'Book Value, 11.20. Some people like small and light notebooks, others prefer huge desktop replacements, but the best value tends to be in the middle.
• Apple Caves to Hollywood with DRM on iTunes Videos, Frank Fox, Stop the Noiz, 11.20. HDCP on the new MacBooks means that you may never really own those videos you buy from the iTunes Store.
• Leopard Runs Very Nicely on PowerPC Macs, Simon Royal, Mac Spectrum, 11.19. Some claim that Mac OS X 10.5 is so optimized for Intel Macs that it runs poorly on PowerPC hardware. That's simply not the case.
• No High Definition iTunes Video for You, Dan Knight, Mac Musings, 11.19. The October 2008 MacBooks are preventing users from viewing some high-def iTunes content from being viewed on their external displays. Poor form!
• Every Working Computer Is Useful to Someone, Allison Payne, The Budget Mac, 11.19. Whether it's a PowerBook 1400, G3 iMac, or Power Mac G4, it could be all the computer someone needs.
• 3 WeatherBug Options for Apple Users, Charles W. Moore, Miscellaneous Ramblings, 11.19. Have instant access to current local weather conditions with a Dashboard widget, iPhone app, or Firefox plugin.
• More links in our archive.

Recent Deals

• Best Power Mac G4 and AGP Video Card Deals, 11.20. Used 400 MHz, $50; 733, $100; 800, $199; 1.25 GHz, $300; 800 MHz dual, $200, 867, $300; 1 GHz, $350; 1.42, $400.
• Best iBook G3 Deals, 11.20. Used 300 MHz clamshell, $150; 366, $199; 800 CD, $180; 600 CD-RW, $240; 700 Combo, $290; 900, $369; 14" 600, $360; 900, $449.
• Best Power Mac G3 and PCI Video Card Deals, 11.20. Used beige 300 MHz, $25; blue & white 350, $80; 400, $90; 450, $105; PCI video cards from $15; shipping additional.
• Best iMac G4 Deals, 11.18. Used 15" 700 MHz Combo, $243; 800 MHz, $280; 1 GHz, $380; 17" 1.25 GHz SuperDrive, $400; 20", $549.
• Best MacBook Air Deals, 11.18. New 1.6 80, $1,150 after rebate; 120, $1,744 a/r; 1.8 80, $1,794 a/r; 1.6 128 SSD, $2,150; used 1.8 64 SSD, $1,500; new, $2,200 a/r; 1.86, $2,398 a/r.
• Best Mac OS X 10.0-10.3 Deals, 11.18. Mac OS X 10.0.3, $30; 10.1, $20; 10.2, $60; 10.3 CD, DVD, $100; CD, $119; 10.1 Server, unlimited users, $58; 10.3 Server, unlimited, $150.
• Best iPod nano Deals, 11.17. Refurb 3G/4 GB, $79; new, $114; refurb 8 GB, $99; new, $125; 3G/8 GB, from $134; 16 GB, from $189. Prices include ground shipping.
• Best Titanium PowerBook G4 Deals, 11.17. Used 1 GHz with SuperDrive, $478 plus shipping.
• Best Xserve deals, 11.17. Used G4/1 GHz, $999; G5/2 GHz, $1,288; new 2.0 4-core Xeon, $1,900; refurb 3.0 4-core, $2,599; 2.8 GHz, $2,499; 3.0 8-core, $3,499.
• More deals in our archive.

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